30 Absurd Reasons To Avoid Your Phone On November 3rd

Unless of course, you’re navigating to the polls.

Photo by Elliott Stallion on Unsplash

I know everyone’s heart rate is a little bit above normal for the next 48+ hours and a lot of us will be thoroughly glued to our phones to endlessly check for updates, hoping democracy persists (a little). But with election anxiety comes an ever-present need for satire. So without ado, here are 30 very valid and very absurd reasons to avoid your incessantly checking your phone.

And yes, before you ask, it brings me a great deal of ironic pain to know this article will most likely be read on a phone.

1. All of the dumb headlines will most likely cause you to throw your phone across the room in despair and anguish…I have on good record that November 4th is the absolute worst day for a sore shoulder.
2. U2 will put another crappy album on all of our phones without consent.
3. Your ex…actually all of your exes have organized an election day bid for your love. Best to avoid the crazies at all costs.
4. If you scroll all-day, your pop-socket is sure to fall off and the stickiness it leaves behind will haunt you until the next election.
5. All the scrolling will take over your WIFI bandwidth and then you’re anxiety-driven Netflix binges will…